{"id":8727,"date":"2021-06-24T08:33:20","date_gmt":"2021-06-24T07:33:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/?p=8727"},"modified":"2022-02-08T10:51:21","modified_gmt":"2022-02-08T10:51:21","slug":"going-round-in-circles-coaching-and-the-co-created-pattern","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/going-round-in-circles-coaching-and-the-co-created-pattern\/","title":{"rendered":"Going round in circles: Coaching and the co-created pattern"},"content":{"rendered":"

Coaching can help someone think afresh<\/strong><\/p>\n

Co-created patterns are situations in which two people become paired up in mutually reinforcing behaviour. Sometimes the co-created patterns are effective, leading to positive outcomes, and sometimes they are ineffective, leading to negative outcomes.<\/p>\n

As the fictional scenario here shows, coaching can help someone think afresh about how to shift ineffective co-created patterns. In this dialogue I am coaching James, who wants to break out of an ineffective co-created pattern with his boss, Tom.<\/p>\n

\u201cHi James, what do we need to think about today?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHi Dave. Well, things aren\u2019t working between me and my boss, Tom. It\u2019s like we are going around in circles. I\u2019d like to explore what\u2019s going on and how I can get him to treat me better.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, given we have just under half an hour, what would be a good outcome for you here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA good outcome would be me seeing what\u2019s going on, and having a few new ideas to move it forward.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow will you know you are getting what you need here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe I will see the relationship in a new light. And I definitely need new ideas because I have tried a lot in the last six weeks with him and don\u2019t seem to be getting anywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd how are we going to do this, you and I?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell I am going to think and talk and I\u2019d like you to listen, Dave, and tell me what you notice. I don\u2019t want you to give me advice because I know that\u2019s not coaching and I find it irritating when people tell me what to do based on their world, which is different to mine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere would you like to start?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I talk about how Tom addresses me? He just has a knack of putting me on the back foot.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGo on then.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, he\u2019s always telling me what to do. He\u2019s polite and says please but I know it\u2019s an instruction and half the time I don\u2019t think it\u2019s the best way forward or even the right thing to do, but I don\u2019t seem to have any say in it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat else?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe gets frustrated with me and says, \u2018James for goodness sake take my advice here\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe says, \u2018Why didn\u2019t you do that and why didn\u2019t you do what I suggested?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m noticing you\u2019re making notes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I have bulleted what Tom normally says to me.\u201d (See three bullets, item 1, in the diagram<\/em>)<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about what you typically say to him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGosh, I can hear myself. Hang on Dave, let me write this down as well, this is interesting.\u201d (James captures three bullets, item 2 in the diagram<\/em>). \u201cBasically, he is telling (3 in the diagram<\/em>) and I am justifying (4 in the diagram<\/em>).\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you make of that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s it! We\u2019re going round in circles. The more I justify the more he tells, and the more he tells the more I justify, and round we go. I can see it now. Let me draw it here Dave.\u201d (James draws in arrows in diagram with Telling above Tom\u2019s arrow and Justifying below his own arrow<\/em>).<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just going to go on, isn\u2019t it? This is what is happening. It\u2019s not Tom, it\u2019s both of us. We are doing this together.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are we doing here, James?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is great, I\u2019ve never seen it like this before, and now I\u2019ve drawn it out, it\u2019s as clear as day.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have ten minutes, what would be most useful for you here and now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat needs to happen to shift this dynamic, Dave?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, right, back to me. Well, I think Tom needs to stop telling me; that would work.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTom is not here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d (James looks up towards the ceiling and falls silent, I hold the silence). \u201cDave, he can\u2019t see it, he\u2019s not here. He can\u2019t see what I can now see. It\u2019s back to me, isn\u2019t it. I have to make the first move here don\u2019t I?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your move?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if I start making suggestions and let Tom know where I\u2019m up to before he asks? And what if I identify the support I need from him and ask him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would you call that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cProactive.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are we doing here, James?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat, I can see what has been going on and I am going to shift my approach and see what happens. This could work. Me being proactive could shift the dynamic with Tom.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have a few minutes, so what\u2019s the best way you and I can finish this session together?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I\u2019d like to say thanks, Dave. This could be a fork in the road for me with Tom, and in my career here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, James, it\u2019s been a pleasure.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Reflections<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. The early exchanges, down to \u201cwhere would you like to start?\u201d is rightsizing the conversation for the time available and agreeing the work before we start the work \u2013 what coaches call \u2018contracting\u2019.<\/li>\n
  2. I Recontracted on a few occasions: \u201chow we doing here?\u201d and \u201cwhat would be most useful for you?\u201d<\/li>\n
  3. James led on his content and I guided the process and held the space for him to think.<\/li>\n
  4. I reflected back some of what I noticed: \u201cyou\u2019re making notes\u201d and \u201cTom\u2019s not here\u201d.<\/li>\n
  5. James worked it out for himself. He identified the co-created pattern between him and his boss, and one way to shift it. Empowered and energised, he is off to experiment with his insight.<\/li>\n
  6. The pattern between Tom and James is common in the prevailing command and control culture most of us operate in.<\/li>\n
  7. A coaching style can be used in most workplace situations by most people once they understand what coaching is and isn\u2019t and have some grasp of the essentials. We teach the essentials in Coach for Results. More about that here<\/strong>.<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Leadership Team Coach\u00a0Dave Stitt<\/a>\u00a0works with construction industry executives and project teams enabling them to deliver remarkable results in a remarkable way.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

    Dave is the creator of \u00a0Coach for Results,<\/a>\u00a0an accessible online course teaching the basics of a coaching management style so managers can grow confidence, capability and enthusiasm in the people around them.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

    Read more blogs from Dave – ‘Coaching management style relieves pressure on younger managers’. HR Director<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Coaching can help someone think afresh Co-created patterns are situations in which two people become paired up in mutually reinforcing behaviour. Sometimes the co-created patterns are effective, leading to positive outcomes, and sometimes they are ineffective, leading to negative outcomes. As the fictional scenario here shows, coaching can help someone think afresh about how to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":938,"featured_media":8728,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[108],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8727","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-coaching-culture"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nGoing round in circles: Coaching and the co-created pattern - Trusted Coach Directory<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Coaching can help someone think afresh. 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