{"id":4261,"date":"2018-10-10T16:19:07","date_gmt":"2018-10-10T15:19:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/?p=4261"},"modified":"2022-02-17T11:30:16","modified_gmt":"2022-02-17T11:30:16","slug":"you-are-not-listening-to-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/you-are-not-listening-to-me\/","title":{"rendered":"“You are not listening to me!”"},"content":{"rendered":"

People long to be heard by others, yet listening in a way that ensures that the speaker feels understood is hard to do and rarely encountered.\u00a0 Why is that? \u00a0The riposte, \u2018you are not listening to me!\u2019 often comes when an individual has expressed negative feelings about themselves and the person they have been speaking to has rebutted this in some way.<\/p>\n

Accepted as they see themselves<\/h3>\n

In our desire to support others we frequently want them to feel good about themselves.\u00a0 When they convey negative emotions; \u2018I have failed.\u2019 \u2018I am useless.\u2019 \u2018I did a bad job.\u2019\u00a0<\/em>we listen to what the person says and counter this with examples of how they have succeeded. \u00a0We believe that we are helping them achieve a better balance and see \u2018failures\u2019 in the context of the bigger picture of who they are and what they have done.\u00a0 However, at the moment that the person voices, \u2018you are not listening to me\u2019\u00a0<\/em>they want to be heard and accepted as they see themselves.<\/p>\n

Safe space<\/h3>\n

One of the most powerful aspects of coaching is that the coach provides a safe container\/space for the coachee to express himself\/herself unreservedly and without fear of being judged.\u00a0 Carl Rogers<\/a>[1]found that his client\u2010centred approach was more effective if, \u201cthe counselor concentrates upon trying to understand the client as the client seems to himself.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 Often the coaching relationship is the only one in which the coachee can utter hopes and fears, have the space to think out loud, share negative feelings, gather their thoughts, reflect and ruminate etc.\u00a0 Articulating their thoughts in the presence of another person whom they trust and feel safe with is different from speaking in front of the mirror say.\u00a0 Carl Rogers refers to this as \u2018<\/em>unconditional positive regard\u2019<\/em>\u2013 where the therapist accepts the client for whatever and whoever he is in that moment.\u00a0 He found that this was one of the conditions essential for clients to make positive change (in therapy).<\/a>[2]\u00a0I believe coaches should never underestimate the value of providing a quiet presence for the coachee.<\/p>\n

Truly hearing clients<\/h3>\n

Even in the strongest coaching relationships the client may withhold from saying \u2018you are not listening to <\/em>me\u2019 so that we might feel we are being empathetic, compassionate, supportive etc.\u00a0 So how can we, as coaches, test for this and develop our abilities to accurately listen to our clients so that they feel truly heard?\u00a0 Here are my suggestions:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Be<\/strong> present\u00a0<\/strong>during the coaching session so that you are \u2018in the moment\u2019 with your client. If you are present you give your full attention to what is happening; in yourself, in your client and the dynamic between you.\u00a0 Nothing else matters.\u00a0 You notice the \u2018music\u2019 of what the client is saying, the pitch, tone, phrasing, are curious about gestures and body language that the client uses and notice what is occurring in your body as you listen.\u00a0 This attentive will give you clues to how the coachee is feeling and what might be left unsaid.<\/li>\n
  2. Test for meaning.\u00a0<\/strong>Coaches are great at reframing what we have heard to see how well our interpretation resonates with the client. We need to go beyond this to suspend our reflexive ability to form connections, see patterns and make meaning since these can be different from how the client sees him or herself.\u00a0 One way to do this is to ask the client to explain what \u2018key\u2019 phrases mean and to test we have comprehended the meaning they have assigned.<\/li>\n
  3. Don\u2019t be afraid to keep people in a negative space.\u00a0<\/strong>When a coachee voices (strong) negative emotions, or negative feelings, we can be tempted to take them out of that space too quickly i.e. to make them feel good again. Often powerful learning comes when the coachee is allowed to stay in that negative space and work through what that means.\u00a0 As coaches we need to have the courage to keep them there for as long as is necessary whilst demonstrating empathy and compassion.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Learning to let go to manage negative feelings<\/h3>\n

    Faithfully listening to another person is one of the best gifts we can give.\u00a0 Managing our ego and learning to let go of our own needs is essential for this to happen.\u00a0 \u00a0In your next coaching session consider how well you are attending to your coachee.<\/p>\n

    Dr Joan van den Brink<\/a>, \u201cyour personal chemist\u201d, is a freelance management consultant and owner of Araba Consulting.\u00a0She works with individuals and organisations to tailor solutions that make them stronger and more capable.\u00a0Joan has had a rich experience in a wide-ranging career that spans Marketing, Operations, HR, Communications and Management Consulting in global and local public and private sector organisations.\u00a0 She has travelled extensively throughout her life, working in the Americas, Asia, Australasia, Africa, the Middle East and Europe.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

    <\/a>[1]Rogers, C R 2003, Client\u2010centred Therapy<\/a>, Robinson, London, p. 30<\/p>\n

    <\/a>[i2]Rogers, C R 1995, A Way of Being, Houghton Mifflin, New York, p. 117<\/p>\n

    Read more blogs from Joan:\u00a0Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    People long to be heard by others, yet listening in a way that ensures that the speaker feels understood is hard to do and rarely encountered.\u00a0 Why is that? \u00a0The riposte, \u2018you are not listening to me!\u2019 often comes when an individual has expressed negative feelings about themselves and the person they have been speaking […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":646,"featured_media":4262,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[149],"tags":[101,111,93,151,94],"class_list":["post-4261","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication-skills","tag-coaching","tag-communication","tag-connection","tag-listening","tag-relationships"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n"You are not listening to me!" - Trusted Coach Directory<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"\u2018you are not listening to me!\u2019 often comes when an individual has expressed negative feelings about themselves and the person they have been speaking to has rebutted this in some way.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/you-are-not-listening-to-me\/\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Joan van den Brink\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Estimated reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":[\"Article\",\"BlogPosting\"],\"@id\":\"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/you-are-not-listening-to-me\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/you-are-not-listening-to-me\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Joan van den Brink\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/#\/schema\/person\/49683ca757b190e9c14db1196fe8148e\"},\"headline\":\"“You are not listening to me!”\",\"datePublished\":\"2018-10-10T15:19:07+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-02-17T11:30:16+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/you-are-not-listening-to-me\/\"},\"wordCount\":850,\"commentCount\":1,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/you-are-not-listening-to-me\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/bench-couple-love-people.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Coaching\",\"Communication\",\"connection\",\"listening\",\"relationships\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication skills\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-GB\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/you-are-not-listening-to-me\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/you-are-not-listening-to-me\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/trustedcoachdirectory.com\/you-are-not-listening-to-me\/\",\"name\":\"\\\"You are not listening to me!\\\" - 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